


seven

by themarauderswap



Series: Folklore and Evermore Marauders Era Short Stories [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Bisexual James Potter, Coming Out, Cruciatus Curse (Harry Potter), Gen, Genderqueer Sirius Black, Indian James Potter, Inspired by Taylor Swift, James Potter is a Good Friend, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mental Breakdown, Non-binary Sirius Black, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV Sirius Black, Pining, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Pre-Relationship, Queer Themes, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is a Good Friend, Running Away, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Song: seven (Taylor Swift), Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, taylor swift ships wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themarauderswap/pseuds/themarauderswap
Summary: please picture me in the weeds before i learned civilityin which sirius reflects on when things were okay.Cw for child/domestic abuse, homophobia, transphobia, and really negative thoughts and self talk.
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Folklore and Evermore Marauders Era Short Stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117049
Kudos: 31





	seven

**Author's Note:**

> BASED ON THE SONG SEVEN BY TAYLOR SWIFT, HIGHLY RECOMMEND LISTENING BEFORE READING
> 
> Link to song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEY-GPsru_E
> 
> this song is about Sirius and no one can change my mind.  
> *  
> Once again; 
> 
> Cw for child/domestic abuse, homophobia, transphobia, and really negative thoughts and self talk.
> 
> please take care of yourself, I appreciate you very much<3

Sirius tries to keep a coherent string of thoughts other than _fuck fuck fuck_ as they pack up their trunk. It was more like throwing in essentials , they don't have time to put any pictures. At least the memories would stay. Memories were the only constant Sirius really had anymore, the same pictures moving through their mind; they may not have all been good but they were familiar. 

The door to their room opens and screaming starts again but they don't hear it, pushing past their parents for hopefully the last time and bursting into the street, just barely remembering to shrink their trunk while still on the property. The steam rising up from the pavement made their skin prickle with humid heat, and as they walked away from the house, looking back once more Sirius could swear they saw Regulus curtains closing. _Hopefully he'd be okay._

It was nighttime, but honestly the screaming match with their parents could have been anywhere from ten minutes to five hours. It felt like both at the same time. God Sirius was tired. And where to go from here? 

_Shit._ They think. They head to the park near their house to gather their bearings. Not planning on running away added some complications. 

Even in the dark the little patch of green stood out from the cobbled streets of old wizard London. It wasn't until Sirius had stepped into the lush and slightly damp grass did they realize they'd forgotten shoes. _Oh well._ They padded across the grass to a tree, sitting down in a hollow between two large roots on the drying earth . Situated, Sirius let the grassy-sweet, familiar scent bring them back.

*

Every year the blacks went to their country estate in France. And Sirius hated it. Their parents made them and regulus go. Though the gorgeous house hosted an array of good hiding spots, their presence was required at boring dinner parties and to go to boring museums. And they quite frankly hated it, them and Reg both. Well, Regulus didn't mind the art. The boy had a talent, often showing Sirius his drawings and paintings which were considerably better than the average six year old.

But some afternoons they slipped away. Out through the garden, if they ran through the woods up to the stream and followed it downriver just a bit, it let out to their spot; 

Star Cove, they had named it. 

It was a small section of the creek that was lit up by sun rays, with a large tree overhanging the water. Some muggle kids from the village left a simple rope swing just above the water attached to the large tree and the siblings would take turns pushing each other. 

Sirius loved swings. Or the feelings they incited. Perhaps that was the reason they so loved the feeling of riding a broom in quidditch or racing moony by the lake. (They always won even though Moony’s legs were much longer) 

With the bubbling under them and their feet touching the sky, Regulus laughing by the banks, Sirius couldn't help but think _this was what happiness was. This is what freedom felt like._ Freedom tasted like summer air with an earthen sweet scent. Sounded like laughter that made your stomach hurt. Felt like flying.

*

_Merlin,_ what Sirius would give to be seven again. Those long summer days running around by the stream, on the swing and finding treasure by the banks, wading through the crystal water. When they were still good and pure, back when everything was okay. When their only worry was avoiding aristocrats at a brunch and forgetting their expensive shoes at the stream. 

But Sirius was here, and it felt like they’d never feel as happy as they did that day, never be back. The closest they could get was the meager puddle from yesterday's storm and the scent of memory. They took a final deep inhale and laid back against the tree, running their hands along the roots. They dug around in their memories, eventually settling on a happy one. 

*

The first time Sirius met James Potter was on the train ride to Hogwarts, when they were petrified about the threats to behave and _‘toujours pur toujours pur don’t forget your family!’_. They still remember the first thing James ever said to them; 

"Hello! What's your name?" He had asked. His hair was black and thick, sticking up at all angles, face was framed with circular glasses.

"Uh, it's Sirius." 

"Ooh, well how serious of a name are we talking here?" James had asked, raising his eyebrows in a joking manner. 

"Oh no, uh, like the star. Canis Major constellation." James' eyes widened only a bit. 

"So you're from the black family then huh?" He asked. Sirius nodded, turning red.

 _They wished they weren't_. The name had brought them nothing but trouble and now here it was taking their only friend- or acquaintance. They hadn't met anyone else, and the pair had barely exchanged pleasantries. But Sirius had gotten ahead of themself.

"Ah, well you don't seem like them. You haven't called me anything bad yet." James stuck out a hand. 

"I'm James. Potter. As in the blood traitor Potters." He gave a wide and proud grin. Sirius returned it, and took his hand. 

"Nice to meet you James. And you're right-I'm not like them." They said with a fierce determination. _Sirius was not like them._ James nodded, smile never leaving his face. 

"I can tell we’ll be good friends. Want some tea? My mum packed me some for the ride in this muggle invention called a ther-mos." he said. Sirius nodded, a swell of joy rushing through them. A friend!. 

And that's how Sirius and James became friends; spending the next half an hour trying to open the thermos, ending up laughing and covered in sweet tea. 

*

Sirius smiled at the thought. Good thing Mrs. Potter loved her muggle inventions. 

*

It was second year when someone found out. That someone being moony, or Remus, his real name was. Remus lupin was an odd boy. He was quiet, apprehensive and most obviously hiding something.

It was evident in the way his eyes flashed in panic whenever someone said his name. And Sirius knew it was something big and bad by the way he carried himself, like he was Atlas with the weight of the world crushing down. It took a year of close observation, until after the first full moon of second year it clicked. Full moons. Scars. Never touching the toast racks in the great hall. Covering his ears in the corridors or classrooms because "there's so many noises I can't." 

Remus lupin was a werewolf. And Sirius didn't care. Because Remus was still the same boy who worked hard to get his assignments done on time, and cried one time because they had to use animals in transfiguration, always remembered everyone's birthday and made sure anybody who was sad got a piece of chocolate. Remus Lupin was a good person. 

And when Sirius confronted him that one October night with a silencing charm wound around Remus' bed, even in the dull light of lumos Sirius could tell he had gone pale. So they told Remus the truth. 

"Remus, you're still lovely. I actually think it's quite cool." And they smiled. And he smiled back. But he seemed to snap back to the seriousness of the moment. He was always worried Sirius noticed. He held out a pinky. 

"Sirius, you have to promise not to tell anyone. I could get kicked out of school. Or worse. Please?" Sirius took his pinky (Lily Evans had luckily taught them about pinky promises last year, and the importance of them in muggle culture.) 

"I promise moony." They said. 

"Moony?" 

"Like the moon. I didn't think you'd like a wolf based nickname. It sounds like a Remus thing- remoony.Plus now we’re the moon and a star!" Remus chuckled and Sirius sat back criss-cross. 

"Can I tell you a secret too Remus?" They asked. They were a bit shaky, it wasn’t even something they’d said out loud before. Remus nodded. 

"Of course Siri, you can tell me anything."

"I don't think I'm a boy." They whispered even though the silencing charm was still up. They held their breath as they waited for moony to respond.  
"Okay. Are you a girl then?" Remus didn't look mad, and his tone was gentle. 

"No. Just...I don't feel like either." Remus nodded 

"That makes sense. Do you want me to call you something different?" Sirius shook their head. 

"I'm still Sirius. Just don't tell anyone?" 

"Cross my heart." Moony said. And they smiled. 

And later, it was Remus who rushed up to them in the library with a book all about people like them, and which detailed pronouns other than he and she; they/them. And Sirius felt seen; not so alone in their struggle. 

Remus had helped Sirius so much. He was good and pure and could see right through sirius' bullshit and tell them what they needed to hear. Remus was there when Sirius came back from summer break fourth year, so shaken by what had happened they'd not spoken the whole train ride and all through the feast. Remus had crawled into their bed and cast a silencing charm and Sirius wall of a blank expression and silence finally crumbled. They told him everything

"It hurt so bad moony. They didn't stop. I felt like I was gonna die and _I wished I did._ " They said through sobs. They were full ugly crying with shaking shoulders and snot dribbling down their nose, clutching to Remus like they were holding on for dear life because at this point they were. The ghost of pain still haunted them, tore them apart. 

Remus did not cower away. He held onto Sirius and let them tell him everything, absorbing the information because 'the heaviest burden is one you bear alone' and he had told sirius that after they'd figured out about his lycanthropy.  
They stayed like that for a long time, until the tears ceased to run and all that was left was dry sobs. Remus was carding softly through their hair which was doing a good deal to calm them down, and eventually Sirius had gone limp with exhaustion and could feel remus braiding their now ear-length hair. They liked their hair a lot more longer;it made them feel the most themselves they'd ever been. 

"Remus?" 

"Yeah Siri?" 

"Can I stay here? I don't want to be alone." They whispered. Remus nodded. 

"Let's get some sleep, it's late and we have classes." Sirius nodded. 

Sirius accredits that to the moment they knew they loved Remus to the moon and back. Because Remus had _held on_ , when they were so close to letting go. Even though he swore up and down he should have been in Hufflepuff because "I'm not even that brave" that night he showed he was brave enough for the both of them. 

*

But like every good thing in sirius' life, they had found a way to fuck it up. Because Sirius was spiteful and evil and bitter and _just like their family_ and could never be with someone so good and kind and loving. They had wrecked his trust, and knew things would not be the same. Sirius had to wonder where moony was now. They did sometimes, more than they'd like to admit. More than was probably alright for the one who ruined everything. Was he in Wales looking up at the sky? Or maybe reading a new book; in their brief and strained last conversation he had said he was going to read up on some prank spells. He hadn't responded to Sirius' letters. Sirius understood. 

Sirius felt evil. Because no _good_ person fought this much with their parents. No _good_ person could get themself burnt off a family tree and end up in a park with only the memories of when things were okay. No _good_ person could fuck up everything in their life, ruin every good relationship.

Sirius pulled a cigarette from the case. Lucky they'd taken to smoking more this summer, because not having a cigarette was the last thing they could stand. They shoved the box back in their pocket, but their fingers brushed against something smooth and metallic. 

The mirror. 

The compact mirror that James had given them so they could keep in contact. They used to use them all the time, but this summer Sirius had been distant, and ignored it the few times he tried to call them. He’d been disappointed after the prank and you'd have to be blind to miss it. James Potter was good, and he turned to be a comfort to Remus. He still was friendly to Sirius but they could see the distrust and disappointment in his eyes. It got hard to look at him. They opened the mirror to see themself reflected. They had dark circles under their eyes. They were pale. They looked sickly. They longed for james' boyish grin to appear in the mirror but were careful not even to breathe. They flipped it closed.

*

They're brought back to the first time they attempted to get James to stay at grimmauld place. Because he was a pureblood and he'd already ended up there, what would be the harm? Besides, even the now second year regulus had grown fond of James. It was hard _not_ to like him. The first thing James had told them when he walked in was 

"Bloody hell, it looks like it's haunted in here. No offense mate." 

"None taken." Sirius said laughing. The pair had taken the short walk back from Kings Cross, as Sirius' mother did not want to see them upon arrival. So the two were free to go up the stairs, and dump their trunks in Sirius' room. They had barely started a game of exploding snap when Orion Black walked in, cold and malicious as ever. He sneered at James. 

"Sirius, what is the meaning of this?" He barked

"I just thought my friend James could visit for a bit-" 

"You're friends with a Potter?" He spat incredulously. "Your disrespect had no ends- letting a Potter into 12 grimmauld places. I'm flooing your father at once boy, this is unacceptable. And I'll deal with you later." He boomed. James looked shaken but Sirius was glaring at their father. Orion left the room and James turned to them. 

"Is he always like that?" 

"Nah. You should see him when he's really angry." Sirius chuckled but James looked concerned. 

"Mate...that's not good." Sirius shrugged 

"It's fine." A glance at James' face let them know what the boy wanted to know."They've never hurt me " _That bad_ they thought. But James didn’t need to know that. 

That brings us to next year, the summer before fourth year. What had once been meager cutting curses, just enough to make them bleed became unforgivable.  
Because _"NO MEMBER OF THE ANCIENT AND MOSTE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK IS A QUEER."_ They remembered the phrase, as it echoed in their head coming back to haunt them. Another ghost. 

When James had inevitably found out their fourth year he had sworn that Sirius could come for the summer (which luckily they were allowed) and that his parents were accepting. 

"You won't have to be in the closet to them. I've been out as bi on them since last year. They accept everyone." And they did. Sirius never felt more at home at the Potter’s. 

*

Too bad they'd fucked it all up. They wouldn't mind being back with Effie’s wonderful homemade Indian food, and Monty’s stories that lasted forever about his crazy auror adventures. . 

As the cigarette was just a stub in their fingers sirius' head lolled back with sleep. 

They dreamed of warm summers, lost in the tangle of weeds and wading through creeks. Late night runs as padfoot, following moony and prongs and worm tail all through the forest. 

*

And back to the same day, when James had first seen his house. As soon as he'd arrived home he sent an owl with the mirror. When Sirius opened the mirror James had already been there, and greeted them. 

"This isn't the same as being there, but it's close!" 

"I wish I was there. Or anywhere." 

"Maybe we can get moony and Peter and run away to India, I love it when we go on holiday there. We have a big mansion by the coast!"  
"I've always wanted to go." 

"Then we will! We’ll run away forever!" 

*

Sirius woke up, and knew what they needed to do. 

"James? James are you there?" They asked quietly. It took a moment, a moment where they wished they said nothing because it wasn't really that bad. But James answered before they could change their mind. 

"What is it Sirius, it's the middle of the night?" 

"I got kicked out." They were surprised that they got choked up. It had been quite an eventful night. 

"Oh my fucking Merlin pads, why didn't you say something sooner?" 

"Didn't want to bother you." James slapped his forehead. 

"You wanker! Where are you? Were coming to get you." 

"Uh, this park near my house. Grimmauld place gardens." 

"Stay right there." He closed the mirror and Sirius was left looking at themself. They snapped it shut and pulled out another cigarette, using it to stay awake. But soon enough they were not alone. James and...Remus, in a muggle car had appeared, and ran towards them. James tackled them in a hug. 

"Are you hurt? God Pads did they do anything to you? I'll curse them-" 

"No James I'm fine. Just a lot of yelling. Did you two drive all the way here?" Remus spoke up. 

"Yeah, I have my license and we couldn't use brooms. I was staying with James" Sirius Nodded. Remus walked over and James, sensing what was happening said 

"I'm gonna go back to the car." Remus sighed. He had grown since sirius last saw him, now even taller again. 

"Hey." 

"Hi" Sirius responded. Remus took a second. 

"I don't forgive you padfoot." He said bluntly, before continuing "I don't know if I can or will or whatever. But I love you, okay? And I might not forgive you, but I still want you around." Sirius nodded. 

"That's fine. You shouldn't forgive me. I was a piece of shit." 

"You were. But...I know you’re sorry." Sirius nodded vehemently.

“I really am. I don’t have an excuse. I truly am sorry Remus. I love you too.” Remus surprised them, and pulled them into a hug. "I've missed you." The meaning of these words were later to be decoded, because all that mattered now was that maybe Remus found it easier to forgive when they were there clinging onto him.

"I've missed you too. Now come on, Mrs. Potters making up the guest bed for you. You look like death warmed up." And with their hand in Remus', everything still wasn't okay. But it felt a bit better.

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this was written from11-1 last night so pls don't be too judgey, i just really liked the concept and could honestly write so much about taylor swifts songs relating to the marauders (maybe a future project hmm). i hope you enjoyed, and once again please please take care of yourself, the author loves you!!


End file.
